Love Bugged
Love Bugged
Nowadays, couples therapy isn’t just for
long-term partners—more people in new relationships are seeking professional
help.
Is it a waste of time or time well spent?
Jennifer and Henry’s* first date was right
out of a rom-com. “We went kayaking and then
stayed up all night telling each other our
life stories,” says Jennifer, who is 24, the same age as Henry. “After that we
were just together.”
But the happy ending never materialized.
“All of a sudden we couldn’t pick a movie without screaming at each other,”
admits Jennifer, of Santa Cruz, California.
But they didn’t want to just give up,
feeling like if they did, the time they’d spent together would have been
wasted. So they went to therapy— right around the three-month mark.
Hope and Alex, both in their early
thirties, together nine months, are the kind of blissfully happy couple who
probably call each other “Boo” in private. Still, they spend Thursday nights in
therapy. “Everything’s perfect now,” says Hope, of Sacramento, California. “But
we want
to make sure it stays that way.” It used
to be that couples therapy was only for unhappy
marrieds.
They went because a certain issue wouldn’t
stop rearing its ugly head or because it had become clear that without the
intervention of a third party, objects would be thrown. Or, maybe, they were
forcing themselves to stay together for the kids. It would have been unheard of
for a noncommitted new couple who were already fighting to get professional
help rather
than just change their Facebook status
back to single. Or for a couple who still has sex five
times a week to seek out a shrink. (Isn’t
that like going on OkCupid when you’re
already dating Bradley Cooper?) Not these
days.
“I’m seeing more and more people who are
just dating, not necessarily looking to get married,” says Mary Kay Cocharo, a
Los Angeles–based therapist, “and they are coming in earlier, sometimes when
they’ve been together for less than six months.” And she’s not
alone: Therapists across the country are reporting an uptick in barely
committed pairs who are sitting down with shrinks. “Given the increasing number
of couples living together before
engagement or marriage, it would make sense that a
higher percentage of couples seeking counseling would be unmarried,” says Brian
Doss, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology at the University of Miami.
“Research shows that therapy increases satisfaction
for all types of couples.”
The trend is, in part, a reflection of the modern-day
must-have-it-all expectations for a relationship. “We have set the bar so high
for what we want from a partner,” says Susan Brown, Ph.D., a sociologist at
Bowling Green State University. “We want a confidant, a lover, and a companion,
all rolled up into one person. While we’re aware we’re asking a lot, we still
want to be the person, that exception, who gets that perfect, idealized
relationship
that we know intellectually may be impossible. There’s
that bridge between fantasy
and reality. The patients hope therapy can provide that bridge, so it’s no wonder people are going earlyon in relationships.”
Early
Intervention
Nonmarrieds have gone to couples
counseling for quite some time, but they’ve usually done it right before
they’re about to walk down the aisle.
What’s different now is that the people
who are finding themselves therapists (typically in their twenties or early
thirties) aren’t necessarily getting hitched.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, just
51 percent of all adults in the United States
are currently married—a new record low.
The number of new marriages dropped by
5 percent between 2009 and 2010, and just
20 percent of 18- to 29-year-olds are
married today (compared with nearly half
in 1980).
“I am completely not in that [getting
married] head space right now,” says Sequoia, 27,
of Boston, who has been in therapy with
her boyfriend for six of the nine months they’ve
been dating. “What I’m doing right now
with Josh is learning how to communicate better
in general, which is useful for any
relationship, whether we stay together or not.”
Just because people may not be eager to
put a ring on it doesn’t mean they aren’t interested in being crazy in love.
“You have this whole generation of kids of divorce who want love and
companionship,” says Brown. “They aren’t
under the illusion those things are necessarily
forever. But they still want their
relationships to be as good as they can be.”
Smart
or Self- Indulgent?
Not everyone is cheering on these
proactive partners. “A lot of my single friends think
I’m crazy for going to therapy with
someone I haven’t been with for long,” says Jennifer.
Hope says she gets baffled reactions too.
“My friends tell me, ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t
fix it.’ The meaner ones just call us
narcissists.”
And not all therapists have the patience
for it. “Most people, over the past few generations, have become increasingly
immature and self-absorbed,” says Julie Nise, a relationship trainer and
therapist based near Houston. “Going to counseling when you’ve been together
only six
months seem premature to me. They’re looking for an audience to bitch and complain to.” Having a therapist, she feels, is akin to having your own personal trainer or fashion stylist. “It’s a chichi thing to do,” she says. Cocharo is skeptical of that idea. “Yes, I do get a lot of
people who come in because another couple told them it
was great,” she says, but she doubts people would make themselves that vulnerable
just because it’s popular.
(Plus, it can be pricey!) Whatever the motivation, this generation of therapy seekers might be well served by being forced to sit and speak to each other. Texters and Tweeters are often less adept at communicating one-on one, says Licia Ginne, a psychotherapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “They often need help learning how to relate in a more emotional way,” she says. (Here’s her tip: Don’t text each other a play-by-play of your entire day.
“Save some of the news for when you see each other.”)
In the end, Jennifer doesn’t mind being mocked by her single friends and is
keeping her weekly talk sessions with her beau. “Just about every married
person I know thinks we’re smart for doing this,” she says. “And even though we
started out not thinking about commitment, I feel that going to therapy has
made it more likely that we will commit.”
By Sarah Miller
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